At an age when girls first experience sexual awakening, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to be true to one's feelings and adopt a lifestyle that is simply unacceptable to so many.Especially at this time when peer acceptance is so vital...
"Ey, is you a guy? Is that a girl? Ey, excuse me, Hey you! shewt, it's a him. That's a guy. Is that a girl? what is it? Ey, you don't look like a girl! Hey, excuse me is you a guy? That's a dyke. That's what it is. Shewt, I wouldn't go outside with my legs looking like that...What are you? That's not a girl, that's not a girl, that's a dyke, that's what it is....
It all comes back again and it comes back hard, it hits me in the head and knocks me over, I cannot breathe, I cannot speak, I cannot think, I will cry."
Sara McCool, age 15
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Gina Ismalia Gutierez, age 17, is a first generation Phillipino/Portuguesen American who describes herself as "a feisty, passionate and quirky Saggitarian." From an article Gina wrote for her Los Gatos, California, high school newspaper:
"...I'm a good person and I don't try to hurt other people. Why can't they just leave me alone? Do they hate themselves so much that they hate me too? Do they fear me? What do they know about the real me? They don't even know who I am.
This was not an isolated incident. I've experienced this harassment through out high school. I have always been able to stand up for myself, but I've always been left with a vague angry feeling...
I have no objection to the content of the word 'dyke.' But when I'm labelled by people who know absolutely nothing about me, I get angry. There is so much more to me than my affection orientation...
I'm excited about moving to Massachusetts for college. But I'm scared of starting a new life far away from home. Is this reflected in the word 'dyke?' I wish I knew how to cook and sort my laundry so the whites stay white and the brights stay bright. I'm afraid of getting sick 3000 miles away from my mom. Where does 'dyke' fit into that? I love my family and friends. And I feel like crying just thinking about it. Is this included in the definition of 'dyke?'"
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"Several strands of her hair blew gently into her lashes. She swept them away hastily and smiled shyly at me. I was immediately charmed.
I secretly wanted for her to tilt her head back for me to feel how soft and silky her hair was as she would run it down the front of my naked body. I couldn't think of anything or anyone else who could bring such natural pleasure."Shelly Bonoan, age 18
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Those who act upon their desires, are then faced with a decision. Do they "come out" and tell their family and friends, or remain isolated in their own knowingness?
Christina W., age 17, describes herself as: "...a white middle class queer girl from New York who believes true, honest communication, in any form, is one of the most important things to strive for." Yet she grapples with the thought of being totally honest:
"i'm scared to tell my parents i am a lesbian...i don't know how to go about it... the thing that kills me is that i never talk to my parents about anything, and i feel this is way too personal to tell... and it's a big part of me i am hiding and i feel sucky doing so. the thing is, i think being gay fucking rules. i don't wanna be any other way. i've no problem with it. it's not fair that i'm getting worked up over their reaction. it's not fair that i need to tell them. you don't tell your parents if you're het...
i don't want to explain myself. i want the burden to be on them, i want them to think, oh, we have to understand our daughter and get over our homophobia. We have the problem, not her. society has brainwashed us to think loving your own sex is wrong, but if our little christina does it, it's alright. we must overcome our fear alone, christina will have enough problems out in the world, the least we can do is support her 100%....
YEAH, RIGHT, DREAM ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
After some time of wrestling with the decision, Christina determines it is more important to take the risk than continue being untrue to herself:
"oh, did i mention that i told my mom today? yes, august 17th... christina's mom found out the truth....she says, 'are you a lesbian?' and i just say 'i guess so' all wimpy and shit, not proud or anything, but gimme a break, it was a tense moment. and what can i say, she just acted as if she's asked me if i wanted pasta for dinner and i had said yes. like, it was no big deal. and she went on to say how she and dad had kinda thought maybe i was and how it was my choice and how she respected it, but i told her it's more like what i am, and although i think it rocks, i didn't really choose it....
...i bet you expect me to apologize. well no way i am me and i am trying to like me to love me more than i do with no help from you mommy i'm queer mommy i'm queer..."
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"To say that we fit into a neat little package with a single-word label is absurd. Where is the humanity in that?
Our humanity is in our eyes, the way we smile, the times we laugh and the times we cry. These things tell the real stories about ourselves that labels try to hide."
Gina Gutierez
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Many Queer and Bi girls are using their experiences and knowledge to help other girls going through similar situations. T.J. has come a long way from her days of hopelessness and despair:TO SEE YOU
To see your brown eyes so deep and hypnotizing
To see your beautiful face, it's a perfect example of heaven on earthI long for the chance to caress your silky smooth body
The chance to kiss your tender lips, and run my tongue up and down your soft breast
The chance to become your companion, and walk down the street holding your hand
Or maybe just the chance to hold you, on the beach, at night, under the starsI have dreamt of the day in which I could wake with you in my arms and your breast pressed against my chest
The aroma of your perfume would still be in the air, the taste of your body would still be on my tongue.There are some questions I cannot answer, why didn't God keep your beauty for himself, and why did he send an Angel to this corrupt place we call home
But the mystery that remains is how I lived without you, that is a mystery waiting to be solved.
Christine Soto, age 16
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"My advice to young lesbians and bi- sexuals:
#1 You are not bad and certainly will not rot in hell.
#2 Always be proud of who and what you are. Never let anyone persuade you otherwise.
#3 No matter who on earth leaves you and deserts you, you will always have someone/thing higher than you are to care and love you unconditionally.
#4 You are not alone. Remember 10% that we know of, anyway.
#5 Even if you don't believe me, I do care and I don't want to hear of any of the lesbian community disappearing due to suicide. You are valuable and special and someone does care."
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There are a lot of people who care. This is evident by the number of Gay and Lesbian Youth support services in most communities throughout the country. They provide hot lines, rap groups, activities, shelter, referrals, information, etc...
For all those who may judge, damn and alienate, there are those who have compassion, acceptance and respect for Queer and Bi girls. There are many who will always place love above hatred and intolerance.
Marcia Ventura, age 15, sums it up in an article she wrote for her high school newspaper in Silver Springs, Maryland:
"'Fags, homos, dykes, otherwise losers,' right?... Why do people use these derogatory words? Why do people continue to hurt each other verbally, as well as physically? Why do people think that being attracted to someone of the same sex is the worst thing in the whole world, when it is really just another kind of loving?"
